I‘m all about health, wellness, spreading love and fitness so is spreadlove.org. However, I want to make you smile and nothing makes a person smile more than funny drunk stories. So i’m going to tell you a pretty embarrassing one about how I spent Thursday night to wipe away those Monday blues. At Profero the digital advertising agency I work for we have the best in office Happy Hour ever. It is company bonding time where I’ve heard some funny drunk stories of epic proportion. Stories of people getting drunk in one country and waking up in another, people getting carried off planes, stories of bar brawls with one legged midgets and man hunts and much more. I love Happy Hour so much that I even created a deck about it check it out below. I finally have a drunk story that I can use to compete with the heavy weights in the office and rival any other one out there. This is an epic tale of one man’s journey to drink with his brother and good friend, but fails miserably, ends up drunk emailing my bosses, and winning an award at work for my effort. This post will probably make you laugh, will definitely make you laugh at me the next time you see me and is probably better than your best drunk story. If you think you have something better leave it in the comments below and let the good people of the inter-web decide. If you leave a story make sure it has at least one lesson you learned from it and we will send the people with the best three stories a Spread Love It’s The Brooklyn Way wrist band for free.
If you don’t know me read my story and learn how getting stabbed inspired me to choose love and found spreadlove.org
My Best Drunk Story, The Beginning
For the past two months I have abstained from alcohol, switched up my diet and changed to a fitter lifestyle. It has been great. I lost 20lbs, am stronger than ever and got my sexy back. However, to celebrate the first day of Summer I decided to have a drink at our in office happy hour and then go to the 40/40 Club and watch the game with my co-workers. I had a very successful client training early that morning, I was dressed in my favorite grey suit and I was on top of the world, what could go wrong. So when I saw Pedro pour himself a glass I said, “That’s how you going to treat me on my birthday?”, which is Profero SEO team slang for “it’s drinking time”. He looked up astonished and gleefully happy, “It’s your birthday? Oh snap.” He poured me a drink, we clinked glasses and then it was on (Mistake #1: Every time I drink it is not my birthday lol. This SEO team slang needs to change other wise we all end up drinking like it is my birthday.) If you know me, you know that I am a man of extremes. I fight full contact bare knuckle karate, do Full Contact SEO, I am 100% about spreading love and I get things done. This is a blessing and a curse because that is not the way you should drink. Especially if you have not been drinking for the past two months and your tolerance is low. Especially if your last meal was Korean BBQ at 11:30am that consisted of only meat and vegetables because unnecessary carbs and sexy don’t match. So once I got started drinking it was pretty much down hill from there.
The 40/40 Club
We walked over to the 40/40 club which is down the block from our office and got there around 7:30pm. I opened a tab and bought the first round because your young hero was feeling nice at this point. I was with 5 of my co-workers who have a hook up over there so we had reserved seats at the bar and it was going to be on. To the left of us was a fat black dude in a white t-shirt, with a bucket of 6 small Moet Champagne bottles. We immediately start cracking jokes amongst ourselves because who sits at a bar by themselves sipping on small bottles of Moet? The guy was very nice though and poured two glasses for the ladies who immediately refused. The game starts we are ordering more drinks and at this point I switched back to my healthiest drink choice which is vodka and soda (Mistake #2: Don’t switch back and forth and make sure to stay dark if you start dark. These things matter). I look to the left and our buddy ordered a ,$2,500 bottle of Ace of Spades which is the most expensive bottle of champagne
and I did not notice but he was also ordering $150 shots of Louis the 13th Cognac all night.
At this point I was drinking my vodka and sodas like it was water and my caring co-worker took noticed and began buying me drinks but monitoring when I was able to drink them. This funny little game tickled the competitive giant that dwells deep in my spirit and awakened him which only encouraged me to want to drink quicker so soon I was making drinks evaporate every time she turned her head and lost focus of baby sitting me. Now that I’ve got the glow, you know that warm fuzzy buzz that makes you friendly and want to talk to people; I head over to our friend, tap him on the shoulder and rudely ask him what he does for a living. He looks at me and says, ” You don’t even ask me my name first?” (Mistake 3: Never judge a book by it’s cover, always remember where you came from and never think that you are better than someone else.) I was floored at my own blatant insensitivity, rudeness and arrogance. The entire time I was sitting down I was judging this man with my nose in the air as if I was not born in the third world and then when I did approach him I did it to get something from him. If I preach anything in SEO, Social Media, life etc it is about giving and adding value to build long term relationships. Not just getting what you need. So later as the game slowly wrapped up I went over to apologize and buy him a drink. I asked him what he was drinking and he said water in a dismissive tone. So I leaned over and I told him, “Listen I feel terrible about disrespecting you like that. I’m from the third world and the day I think I’m better than someone because I work for a fancy advertising agency is the day I lost myself. So I want to buy you a drink even if I can’t afford it just so I will never forget the lesson you just taught me.” He looked me in the eyes and said, “You are a man I can respect.” and we had a $150 shot of Louis the 13th that hurt both my pocket and liver. (Life Lesson 1: Buying him the shot made the difference. Just saying you are sorry is meaningless unless there is real action with sacrifice to show you care. ) Now if you asked me what it taste like your guess is as good as mine because at that point I could have drank gasoline with a smile. In the middle of all this bromancing, I get a text from my brother LaMonster and my friend the Black Russian these two fella are out watching the game and boozing at our local bar.
So the game is ending and I decided that I’m going to go join them.
The Drunken Quest to Drink Some More with Good Friends and Family
LaMonster and the Black Russian are two of my favorite people in the world. They are complete opposites but I have some funny drunk stories with these two in them but that’s for another time. Also to have them randomly bump into each other on a night I’m drinking was a sign that this was going to be an epic night. I told one of my coworkers that I was going to take the train home and she said said I should take a cab. At this point I was visibly drunk and she was worried. I don’t even remember having this talk with her but she confirms that we did. Despite her warnings I headed for the train.
Here comes the good part. When I get on the train I vomit, fall asleep and black out and take it ALL the way from 23rd street to the last stop at Coney Island Brooklyn missing my stop.
I then take the train back in the other direction from the last stop in Brooklyn to the last stop in Queens missing my stop again. Vomiting, sleeping and probably doing the Harlem Shake and Drunken Yoga all the way there.
Then I take the train back from Queens and barley wake up in time to get off at the correct stop.
To be honest I could have taken another trip back and forth but who is counting at this point.
I got on the train at 12:50am and got off the train at 6:30am. I spent 5+ hours drunk and passed out on the train oblivious to the world around me. All this spreading love must work because someone is looking out for me. I must have a major Karma pool or something because I had my watch, wallet and everything when I got off the train. When I got off the train it was day light and I asked the first 3 people I saw what time it was and they said 6:30am. I asked 3 people because I could not believe the first two people and my phone died so I could not check for myself. At this point I knew I was going to be in the dog house with my lady and I was not going to make it to work but I still hustled home.
The Drunken Email to My Bosses
Everyone in the house is relieved that I am alive. I explain what happened to my lady and now the questions is am I going to go to work. At Profero we work hard and play hard and I tell the SEO team members that I manage that if you go to Happy Hour and get hammered you better still come in to work the next day and get your projects done. I was in no condition to follow this rule, I also did not want to lie. I figured let’s just man up to this and tell the truth of course. So I go to draft an email and I can’t because looking at the screen makes me dizzy. So my fiancee wrote the email as I dictated it to her.
Feeling very proud of myself for telling the truth she hits send and I passed out. I woke up hung over around 12:00pm in the afternoon and looked at the ceiling and feeling like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. A growing feeling of trepidation began to build in me because I had somethings I need to get done in the office. So I decided that I was going to go in because I felt bad and thought I was letting my boss and team down because they needed me to do some work. I never let my boss down and I deliver decks and all my work well before it is due and have trained my team to do the same. So I did not want a little hang over to keep me from handling my responsibilities and optimizing what ever I could but my hands on.
The First Profero Performance Team Award
So when I get to the office people are very surprised that I showed up. Apparently the email I sent went viral in the office and everyone was having a good laugh at my expense which I dutifully earned. I found my two drinking pals who were with me for the long haul the night before and they thought that I might have still been at the 40/40 Club washing dishes for the shots of Louis that I bought lol. Once I told everyone the epic adventure I had on the train they laughed even more. So during the team meeting I was awarded the first ever Profero Performance Team Award for Excellence. It reads:
The Most Honest Reason for Not Making it to Work and then making it back to work despite a thrilling all nighter on public transit. They even gave me the cover to the Double Black box that started it all and some where on there it says something about SEO Master or something like that. What a way to start the Summer! If you are man or woman enough to deal with some embarrassment leave your drunk story in the comments with at least one lesson you learned from it and we will send the best three a Spread Love It’s The Brooklyn Way wrist band for free.
Life Lesson 2: In a world where people are always trying to hide their short comings and mistakes, honesty is still the best policy.
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